some guy trying to find his mind

Carcasse, tu trembles?
Tu tremblerais bien davantage, si
tu savais, où je te mène.
Turenne.
["You tremble, carcass? But if you knew where I am taking you, you would tremble a lot more."]

What was that, that I heard?
*****

I met her..yes, that is unexpectedly; we met and so -- I regret.

*****

It must have been a bad day..Nothing really new; kept on sleeping, or rather lying in bed. I felt
as if my head's the real cause of my body's weight. Listened to Aguado at around 10. Played
Tarrega at around 1 to 6...hmm, Tarrega must have been a real smart man...Much of what we hear
seems to originate from the man. Nobody is listening to him.

*****

There she is again. Oh, what a sight! This food-house stinks, but with her presence here, this
seems to me to be a paradise. A very good meal is all that matters. Anyway, there she is,
enjoying her meal. Ohh, her mouth is shaped as a heart..Pumping, pumping; Chewing, chewing...and now is filled with stink!..Women must really love filth: I found that for Segovia. A quite remarkable man. But now she stands, left her seat: I must have appeared a complete jerk to her eyes: she casted in me a quite contemptible glance! I am really losing my head: now I'm going dizzy and my vision's blurry again..The question: what have I done?

*****
I've read her thoughts. I don't know if its a dream; but it seemed very real. Anyway, who
really cares about the apparent and the real?... I've read her, I've read her! I declared; and so
I dared - but it confuses me. For she seems to be a really sweet girl: innocent - without a hand
that kills. But with this! What? Insatiable hatred for Love and Hate?..I cannot grasp it; I
cannot understand. Who would dare explain this? Is there a scholar or someone scholarly enough,
to know what this means? Or is it that the nerves in my head are going cold that even the
simplest of notions and concepts and assumptions we all make, I cannot clearly make out in my
mind....Anyway, anyway, that doesn't matter.. What matters is my discovery. Yes, she really is
that: a terrible and even fascinating enemy of my inclinations..What are my inclinations? yes,
yes, I will admit: romance?...I do not understand this?...I do not even know that there exists a
thing. Surely, it is not romance: not as she understood it..It is something higher, above, ready
to take flight: above the clouds, beyond the seas; above her head, above our noses: beyond our
ears. Enough!Enough!Silence!...What is really going on, here? Am I becoming...yes, I am rising..and falling.

*****

Yes!...I must be damned if someone had known that my thoughts are now very much tangled: none of them is coherent! Oh, coherence! You promised to us something better: but what have you done,
what calumny! Much of the insanity belongs to you! Why should I not hate you?

Anyway, I skip all three meals again: food does not give nourishment, but only filth: one can ask
the poets for this...Read the whole day. Writers really had a very -- the word escapes me. I do
not like to read. Reading is for readers. I want to write: not only for tonight!

*****

Oh,oh,oh! Pah! Yes there she is! Holding the hand of a man I deemed to be very decent and
respectable. Why am I being avoided?...These people really are very conscious of hygiene: but why
precisely hygiene?Why not sanity? Is it to be taken against me, that I, having lost my interest
to cleanliness, did not take my bath for the last three days?..huh? Pah, nonsense! Cleanliness is
a matter of preference; consequently, it needs our consent. And so I followed them..They must
have noticed it; she casted me, again, a vile look!..hahahaha!..What an amuse! Who is really vile
here ma'am? I, who haven't dared to take a shower; or you, who is about to castrate a man's
heart, literally?

*****

If there is one thing I want to tell you, it is this: Beware! A life-less heart, is most vile when revived!

*****
Note: The author of this discovered journal seemed to suffer a rare psychological disorder that
even experts are loosing sleep just to know what he is really saying and suffering. Nobody seemed to take him seriously, and so the author decided to end it all.